1 WHOLE YEAR of lamenting with u <3

when life gives you lemons, make literate lemonade or something

I could cry when I think about where and who I was when I generated the idea for this newsletter. More on why that possibility is a revelation in and of itself in a moment, but I am struck with an urgency that requires stillness and reflection over what has been a monumental year and period of my life, and where this space fits into that chapter.

Almost one year ago, I introduced you all to a very half baked, juvenile idea of a project that became this newsletter as it is today. I was a year younger, waiting with bated breath for my amorphous idea of college like a cloud to envelop me and carry me off to something new, something interesting and something that wanted me back. I thought I knew a lot about myself, the world I inhabited and how I should have moved through it. But most of all, I was intensely scared and deeply lonely.

Then there’s the internet. As I have grown into my desire to write and share with people like you reading this, I’ve had to consider the most effective way to do so for maximum accessibility, reference and archival purposes. I’ve taken my journal from journals that will never see the light of day, to essay length Tumblr posts about the characterization of Emily Prentiss from Criminal Minds, to posts on here in which I trust that I’ve crafted a home for the most niche of references and idiosyncratic patterns that you could only really know if you know me - which I want you to.

Each piece that I write for this newsletter I write from a place that I’d like to believe many others do as well: having something to tell someone and wanting them to hear it. Whether that is my latest obsession on the small screen, latest pet peeve on the little page or latest moment of burning rage directed against the forces that stop me from pursuing myself and my journey to the fullest, if you have ever once heard those things and listened to them, I owe great gratitude to you. If you saw my work reposted or sent by a friend or finally buckled after seeing me post it 12 times in one week, I owe the same to you as well. In the same way, if you have ever heard my work and taken the care to respond with words of feedback (positive or otherwise), just know that you are fulfilling my heart in that place that I write from.

I am so so young and so so new and have so so much more to absorb. I could never claim to be an expert, or an authority, or anything other than a perpetual student and nosy person who likes to feel like they know what’s going on and let everyone else know about it. What is so incredible about the life I have right now (both the things I share with you and keep for myself behind the screen) is that it allows me to keep being those things and doing those things, even after the grueling hours and exhausting rhythms it requires. I love to learn. I love to read. I love to write. I love television and pop music and lemonade and my cat and every person who has ever clicked a link to this newsletter before. And I love to choose those things whenever I can.

Back to me crying. Up until the literal final day of my freshman year of college, just a few months ago, I had this really weird complex about crying (and my lack thereof for about a year leading up to that point) that stemmed from a very immaturely guarded approach to my own emotions and general unwillingness to feel them instead of rationalizing them and chucking them into the canal. After a long, frustrating conversation about the year and how one course in particular had affected me, I had absolutely no choice but to let it out and weep. The grief of years of missed opportunities, forced silences, gaps in connection and memory, one LOADED year at a PWI and the weight of it ending with the realization that I had made it to the other side all seeped out of me by excruciating measures. Afterward, though I was defeated and tired, I was oddly proud of myself for taking myself seriously enough to pay attention to how I was feeling, what I needed, and how to express it. Which at that time was in an empty classroom during the middle of a gorgeous spring day.

This kind of pathetic memory relates to this newsletter in that the last year has taught me to let go of the silliness that is the false self descriptions I had ascribed to myself before it. I said it in my first issue: “the sweetest notion is the thought of being surrounded by masses of individuals who don’t know about me, or my various phases of being, or my thought processes that circumvent each one. It is a strange comfort in that it provides a blank slate, a new universe. My only job now is to fill it.” Looking back, I couldn’t tell you what that pretentious airbag was saying when she wrote that, but she’s got a point. I decided to no longer hold myself back by trying to fulfill what I thought I needed to be, pay mind to the things that truly move me and create new things that did. This newsletter is certainly the latter.

I have had so many moments of joy, inspiration and glee in this space, and every single word given back to me in response has tripled it. Thousands of views. Over 250 subscribers. Messages of support. I wish there was some telepathic way that I could beam them to you right now, so just trust that I would if I could. Here are some of my favorites (tag yourself):

I can’t even believe I have people in my life to bestow such gracious words upon me. It’s incredible. And with all of you gorgeous people in mind, I’m so excited to share this fun little shiny new cover we have (courtesy of 2 hours on Canva, multiple drafts and a dream)!!!

It’s fun and recognizable and very on brand and also would be extremely darling on merch someday down the road. Yes, I absolutely crafted this with that reality in mind. Also, to match the new logo/cover, my desktop them has been tweaked a bit and it looks so dreamy now. Check it out if you can.

Like I mentioned last week, things are about to get a little crazy on my end. I have a few cool ideas for pieces in mind, but unfortunately people (me) don’t write (budget their time) like they used to (last year). I promise that I will do my best to achieve these same goals and consistency we’ve established here for a long time, and if my best isn’t what it was or becomes something new, I promise I’ll tell you that too. You may also see some changes in how I present myself on here, given that with some SUPER exciting professional developments I am bursting to share with you but can’t just yet, I fear a Career Hard Launch era is upon us. I also trust that whoever is hanging out here is not the type to doxx and harass me upon given the chance, but merging my “personal” and “professional” selves on here just feels right. Know that I will still be real and annoying and very much Me on here as you know me on here, just with my full government name attached to it.

I love you so much for being here, and if you’ve made it this far, comment your favorite issue or the one that brought you here or one you absolutely hated. Either one is fine. <3