general check in

a message of solidarity for those also suffering through a Midwest winter currently

Hi all!

My apologies for the general silence since my review of “Babylon” (still my #1 film of 2022 and one I will be watching 80 more times now that it’s out on VOD). I am approaching an exceedingly busy Black History Month, summer internship and research applications, spring semester classes really kicking off, and braving an Indiana winter for probably three more months ahead of me. I would like to be comatose until spring break, but it seems the powers that be cannot allow that!

I also feel that I’m hitting a bit of a peak in terms of overstimulation and overexposure, and generally feeling very “whelmed”. From all sides of my work, leisure, school and social media usage, I’m constantly (like 24 hours a day constantly) embroiled in conversations of oppression, violence, colonialism, prejudice and social collapse — it’s a lot. I know enough about myself to know when I’m hurtling towards burnout, and trust, she’ll be on her way soon enough. 

Mostly, frustration has become a sort of baseline for me, humming beneath the fleeting tasks and feelings that carry me through my day to day. The dissonance required for me to ignore that frustration in order to bear the conditions of the General State of Things isn’t sustainable, and yet it seems that a lot of my peers are struggling to keep up the same facade while watching those conditions worsen. 

This is probably something to unpack further in therapy, but I find that with each wave of burnout and exhaustion I encounter, it becomes harder to distinguish between the lines defining “me” and the work I do. I love who I’m becoming, and I love the ambition I maintain for the future opportunities I’ll explore, but with red flags and small implosions that appear in increasing frequency in the industries I want to enter becoming the norm for entry level writers and creatives, it's hard not to be discouraged.

Somehow, I always hit a wall and always get myself up again. I have a lot of things to motivate me, both in a healthy supportive way and in a some things just light a fire under your ass and tell you to Do It way. Both get the job done, but I still find myself self-aware to know when I’m running on empty or not truly passionate about the work in front of me. The winter months make this particularly difficult, so shoutout to my sun lamp and hot beverages, I guess.

I wish a lot of things were easier, and yet I know that a lot of things will ease with time. I’ve determined that to move forward, I know I cannot be an absolute pessimist (which believe it or not after reading this, I really am not) and I have to hold on to hope while I’ve got it, as Hayley Williams once said. I’ll keep taking care of myself and pacing myself, and getting through the dry spells like I always do. And if you’re also in this alongside me, you’ll get through it too. 

With all of this said, I’m not announcing a hiatus or break or whatever on this newsletter. I’m simply being honest with you all and alleviating a bit of the self imposed pressure I’m enduring, entirely by my own choice. I take pride in offering a free newsletter of (what I think is) consistent quality regularly to you all, but if I’m not currently at the capacity to do that every week, Sundays at 6pm on the dot, I want to let you know that! I will still be writing here in longform essays and reviews when I’m able to, just until things slow down this semester (most likely April) and I can get back to my regular grind. Oh, and trust that I’m still consuming and watching and reviewing and whatnot (follow me on Twitter and Letterboxd for more of that) in smaller quantities all the while. 

I so so so appreciate the growth and (old and) new members of this community that have found their way here in the past few months, you guys are the coolest. Check out the below cool audience insights btw, and tag yourself in the comments if you’re so inclined. I love you all, and I’ll see you in your inbox whenever! Take your Vitamin D supplements! <3