issue fifteen

breaking: people (i, you, we) can do hard things!

Recently I’ve been thinking about hard days. And the weather. And weathering hard days. And Succession. And hugs and self patience and mirrors. All of which are sloshing around in my brain like a hyper-decanted burgundy, as Connor Roy would say, which is probably not to my benefit.

I decided that when faced with obstacles in my life, I freeze. I do not have enough guts to fight, nor the careless whim to fly, so my awareness of my situation and responsibility in it paralyze me. Luckily, I’m not in this position very often, but I find that it also applies to my state of mind when I’m not Doing Well brain-wise or stress-wise or school-wise or whatever. As we all know, it varies in an ever increasing ever intertwining knot.

I was talking to a friend who is going through a pretty severe depressive episode right now, and we shared in how defeating it can feel to identify when you’re slipping into a slump, but not having the energy or presence of mind to claw your little way out of it. I don’t know about you, but for me, melancholy is short-sighted. When I’m having a bad day, or hour, or week, it seems to be progressively prolonging and all consuming, which my brain then reasons as The End of the World. Any morsel of advice, grounding tips, counsel or answers escape me whether for lack of priority in my memory-bank or the clean canvas of despair that one paints in their unwashed bedsheets and spiraling.

Realizing self truths like these can be heavy, and mostly makes me feel like I’m studying myself in a lab. In a way, that’s the best connection I could have made, and the one that has led me to a path of viewing necessary self care.

One thing (of the innumerable many) the internet gets wrong about self care is that it’s not about doing what you want. Most of us can not and should not indulge every time we want to, and indulgence is only productive and renewing to a point. It’s not even about instinct, because if my instincts are telling me to scream at everyone I speak to and off myself on a mental health day, following my heart to its content is surely not the objectively wisest decision. I would go as far to say (regarding myself) it’s hardly about me, in a way, but about reaching my fullest capacity for loving others. However you frame your acts and intentions of self care, I believe it has become massively misguided and commodified by way of several cultural and societal factors, none of which actually aid individuals in identifying and dealing with their negative emotions.

Though certainly not original or novel, I’ve decided to frame self care for myself by increasing my distance from myself. Leah, you may ask, isn’t the whole point of all this crying it out and face masks (skincare kind, not PPE kind) to get in close proximity to your true emotions and soothe them? Fair point. Worthy point, but I beg to differ. When I need to take care of myself, I vehemently draw a line and start caring for Myself. I imagine that someone has just scooped me up and placed me in my hands, pleading with imperative authority for me to “Leahsit for the night?” For lack of a better, less gendered word, I mother myself.

This is, of course, not to say that I don’t have a wonderful mother who provides as much care and comfort to me as she can from hundreds of miles away, but I’m a big girl now. I have responsibility for myself, my actions and my inactions, a responsibility I’m obviously still trying to sort out. It is beyond beneficial to me to have a little voice nagging, letting me know the minute necessary things I need to complete, no matter where I’m at personally. Telling me to just pick up the water bottle, start there or get a blanket because there’s no reason to sit here staring blankly and be cold while doing it. 

There’s an age old post that’s been circling the internet for as long as I can remember, and the gist is basically “Suffering more doesn’t get you brownie points.” I wholeheartedly agree, and this isn’t to say that our hard work will be painless, but it will be fruitful. Digging a hole twice as fast won’t help you get out of it any quicker, and there’s really no point to it. Patching it back up with the few scoops of dirt you can, on the other hand, is exponentially more helpful. Insert another uphill-downhill analogy, I think you get my drift. 

A lot of this comes with being lenient to myself, not in a lazy or undisciplined way, but discerning when I’m overthinking or stressing myself and letting it go. Mindfulness has helped much with this, and now I’m often able to acknowledge that I’ve done all I can do, and my best is my best. Any dwelling on personal decisions that haven’t caused any detriment to anyone outside me, myself and I often turns to that spiral, something I have the power to recognize at this point. Again, self-stressing and some twisted perception of earned value in suffering won’t get me anywhere. 

As tiring as it may seem, I’ve learned that gritting your teeth and just doing the one, two, three things you need to do to make your immediate and near self (a) more content (b) more aware and (c) more prepared to face what the world will hand you next is more often than not the best medicine. We’re all plugging on to better something, whether that be ourselves or an other, but we can’t get there on an empty tank. Wash the sheets. Eat the granola bar. Hug yourself with both your arms and sway and dance in the mirror. Your babysitter self will thank you for it. I love you, and I’ll see you next week!

P.S. Here are some things that inform/ed me while I wrote this issue. 

• This wonderful piece by Schuyler Peck (shameless plug to her substack go subscribe right now!)

• This ever timely quote from Heather Havrilesky: “You are not lost. You are here. Stop abandoning yourself. Stop repeating this myth about love and success that will land in your lap or evade you forever. Build a humble, flawed life from the rubble, and cherish that. There is nothing more glorious on the face of the earth than someone who refuses to give up, who refuses to give in to their most self-hating, discouraged, disillusioned self, and instead learns, slowly and painfully, how to relish the feeling of building a hut in middle of the suffocating dust.” 

• Also: “I hope you will go out and let stories, that is life, happen to you, and that you will work with these stories from your life–not someone else’s life–water them with your blood and tears and your laughter till they bloom, till you yourself burst into bloom. That is the work. The only work.” — Clarissa Pinkola Estes

• “Confidence is a static state. Determination is active. Determination allows for doubt and for humility — both of which are critical in the world today. There is so much that we don’t know, and so much that we know we don’t know. To be overly confident or without doubt seems silly to me. Determination, on the other hand, is a commitment to win, a commitment to fight the good fight.” — Anna Deavere Smith 

• This image (unsure of credits, I think I found this on Pinterest. My apologies!)

november mood amirite

• This playlist I made :)