Hi all! I promise to spare you from a message with the same effect as every other dreadful email in your inbox in this tenuous time begging you to buy something or subscribe to something or shave something or get rid of something — trust, I would never do that to you (as long as this newsletter is a portfolio feeding passion project and not a stream of income).
Just as I’m sure you have, I’ve been inundated with somehow more mail and messages in this liminal holiday break space than I can recall at any other time of the year. I’m happy to celebrate my peers’ end of year achievements and roundups, and I always look forward to the reflections and predictions that a wide open year yields. However, I find it hard to participate in this flurry of activity and engagement — even in joyful spurts of collectiveness and community that warms my heart — and instead turn to stillness and rest.
Every year I find that taking stock of one’s year gets harder and harder. Sure, I could show you my resume or favorite pieces I’ve written or particularly fun nights out I remember, but surrounded by a world and network that demands productivity as evidence of 365 days valuably spent, this just takes more out of me. Ultimately, when I reflect on all of the Things I’ve Done This Year, I’m hit with a roaring wave of burnout that halts me in my tracks altogether. This is of course my fault, and my joyful burden to bear knowing that every task and late night brings me closer to the life and work I want for myself, but I appreciate that I have enough self awareness and introspection to acknowledge the fact that it is hard.
For those of you who have watched Downton Abbey, do you remember when (spoiler alert) Edith gets jilted at the altar and runs back to her room, throwing her veil down the stairs and crumpling on her bed to sob violently and Cora comes to hold her and whispers “You are being tested”? I’ll insert an image down below for those who haven’t, but that was kind of what this year felt like to me. This fall semester specifically was a battle of WILLS, between mine and I don’t even know who else’s. I have another issue lined up for 2023 following up on my two prior pieces about being black in academia, so trust that we’ll unpack further there but there were a number of moments this year during which I thought (or audibly said to myself to others) “This must be a joke” or “We are in hell”. It seems others can definitely sympathize with these sentiments, and I’d say rightfully so! We are in dire times and dire straits and all trying to persevere through it all, somehow.
This year I did a lot of hard things. I made mistakes and made progress and achieved things that I absolutely knew I could and learned things I absolutely never could have anticipated. I built up relationships with people I care about, and took time to tend to myself. I cut bangs. I know when I’m wounded or tired, and I know the adequate steps I can take to regularly improve how I navigate the life I live. I still can’t drive. I have laughed SO much, and had the pleasure of looking back on that laughter with infinite fondness. I accepted what I couldn’t change and became the ultimate optimizer of what I do have. Ultimately, I’m proud of all of this, and I’m proud of me for carrying myself through it.
I’m also undeniably proud of what I’ve built here in this community. I think of where I was when I started writing these posts and where I am now, and have no choice but to humbly thank you for your time and kindness and grace with someone trying to contribute something meaningful to art or literature or whatever it is I’m talking about that week while figuring it out the whole way as I go. I could never boast of expertise on any level, but I am endlessly thankful for the people like you all who value my thoughts and contributions as something engaging, educational or entertaining, for any reason: great or small.
To do a little bragging, here are some metrics for this year in lamenting with leah!
We started the year with 151 subscribers, and we’re finishing with 452! My goal for 2023 is to have that number hit 1,000 and if you’d like to help us in that direction, go ahead and repost or forward your favorite piece of mine!
This neat feature on my writer dashboard tells me that we have readers literally all over the world, and the thought that someone in Thailand or India or Russia is tuning in to my newsletter is enormous to me. Thank you for being here!
This year one of my pieces hit 1,000 views for the first time! Shoutout to Taylor Swift and everyone who shared this piece with others <3
104 of my total subscriptions have been generated from recommendations on the Substack network, which is so so so cool. To all of my amazing talented illuminating mutuals and friends who send your loyal subscribers my way, I love you. To my readers, check out my recommendations for other people you should totally be lending your email and eyeballs to!
Finally, I might admit that ever since I finished my finals I’ve been speedrunning through all of the film, tv and books I wanted to get to during my holiday break. I’m inhaling things and leaving a tiny amount of room for fully fleshed out thoughts in the new year, but ultimately I’m a bit fatigued and have little to offer you in terms of a deeply comprehensive 2022 Wrapped of my media consumption. Here are only some of my favorites, superlatives, predictions and must-sees that I’ll pass on to you. These are all subjective, there’s no doubt I’ve missed something, and I’ll be circling back to some of these in the future.
Went #1 on my Bluetooth speakers while the girls get ready to go out: Oh My God by Adele
Went #1 on my Bluetooth speakers while I sang in the shower: Fast Times by Sabrina Carpenter
Went #1 on my Bluetooth speakers while I cleaned by room: Cinnamon by Hayley Williams
Went #1 in my AirPods while I rode a Greyhound bus: Starting Line by Luke Hemmings
Standout of my “I’m going on a walk” soundtrack: All Along The Watchtower by Afterhere
Throwback that ruled my brain: I’m A Ruin by Marina
One-two punch that had me tearing my hair out and shrieking: Stay Soft and Should’ve Been Me by Mitski (Honorable mention to Long and Lost and Caught by Florence and the Machine)
My album of the year: 5SOS5, duh.
Album that grew on me until I became obsessed with it: Crash by Charli XCX
Album that did the opposite of growing on me until I forgot it existed: Serpentina by BANKS
2021 release that stuck by me: 333 by Tinashe
Favorite first watch TV season: S1 of Westworld tied with S1 of Good Girls Revolt
Favorite rewatch TV season: S2 of The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel tied with S2 of The Royals
Speaking of The Royals, the scene from that show that resonated the most this year: Elizabeth Hurley’s monologue (S1E8) in the castle panic room after the king has been stabbed. Picture this: tensions are high, the head of security has just pulled a gun on Cyrus and nobody can seem to keep it together long enough to craft their alibis. Helena begins this speech that is a consummate representation of the steely fierceness of her character with “Chekov’s gun, Mr. Pryce.” Watch for yourself in order to appreciate one of my favorite cold opens on this show of all time.
Film Performance: Diego Calva as Manuel Torres in Babylon
TV Performance: Britt Lower as Helly R in Severance or Rose Byrne as Sheila in Physical
Favorite first watch movie: Babylon
Least favorite first watch: Ready Player One
Nonfiction book: Some of My Best Friends: Essays on Lip Service by Tajja Isen. Cannot recommend this essay collection enough.
Fiction book: The World Cannot Give by Tara Isabella Burton
Poetry book: Life of the Party by Olivia Gatwood (not a 2022 release but never far from my mind at any given time)
my 2023 ins
red lipstick > brown lipstick
honesty/earnestness
gamers
jeans and a classic tee
chipped nail polish
asiago cheese bagels
hot fruit tea/hot coffee
knitting
handmade decor and garnishes
pineapple
navy/chartreuse
bass and drums
my 2023 outs
keto
Snapchat
not matching energy in email responses
booktok
diet coke
being bored
incompetence
finstas
award shows
children’s entertainment with adults as its primary consumer base
biopics
affiliate links/undisclosed ads
See you never, 2022! 2023, please be gentle. I love you all, and I’ll see you next week.
ASIAGO BAGELS ‼️‼️‼️ happy new year :)
congrats on an amazing year, Leah! so excited to see what you put out in 2023 :)